The facts:

I'm at home now in Minneapolis until next fall.

I'm not at Concordia anymore. 

I have high levels of Mercury and Lead in my body.

It will take a few months for me to recover.

What this means:

I'm going through a life change.  My future is a little shaky.  I kind of feel weird talking to people right now.  Old friends and new friends.  But especially friends that I made at Concordia since I dont go there anymore.  I mean I have tons of screen names on AIM ... and I look at them... and dont feel compelled to say hi.  Kind of like when I graduated from high school.... I became cold because I told myself I'd never see some of these people again, and started separating myself from them to ease the .... I dont know.  I was just cold. 

I think thats what I do.  Distance myself from people.  When I probably need them the most.  I like to have my own space sometimes. 

Ive had a lot of these problems for years, without knowing they were problems.  I dont know how much of it is me, and how much of it has an excuse.  The antisocial-ness is a symptom.  The lack of energy is a symptom.  Sleep problems, major symptom. 

Right now I am working on becoming myself.  As soon as the mercury and lead are gone, I should be free from the symptoms.  There is more that Im not saying.  Quite a large symptom that Im leaving out, but I dont feel comfortable sharing it.  Basically though, I wasnt able to take care of myself well at Concordia.  And I was not able to do the things I needed to do in school.  That is why I need to be at home right now - to get better.  (and to not waste money!)

Mostly it is a lifestyle change.  Trying to actually live life rather than merely existing.  Rather than just going through the motions.  Right now I am searching for motivation.  It is what Ive always lacked.  I am trying though.  Im applying for jobs, which is kind of exciting.  I will probably finally get my own car too!  I just need to be fearless and not intimidated by things I can handle.  Im trying to change. 

This is what Im taking:  (As a substitute for drugs.  Evil Evil drugs.)

5 Hydroxytryptophan (to naturally increase serotonin levels)

Potent C Guard Buffered Acerbate Powder (to Detoxify)

Captomer (to Detoxify)

Many, many assorted vitamins like fish oil, St. Johns Wart, ect.

VIBE dietary supplement

Melatonin (to help me sleep at night)

Thats kind of a lot of stuff for a 18 yr. old to be taking.  Well I also have an above average amount of lead and mercury in me for an 18 year old. 

Kind of weird being that I dont know exactly where it came from.  Supposedly it is from environment and tuna.  But I dont even eat a lot of tuna.  My doctor/nutritionist says that the problem with my energy lies with the connection of my soul to my body.  For this Ive been having energy healing, or Chi Gong to better connect my spirit with my body and increase my overall health and energy.  (Eastern Medicine).

Im well enough to go out and do normal day things and Im well enough to hang with friends and party and stuff.  Its not like the mercury is contagious haha.  But I just need to make this clear. 

I didnt leave because I couldnt handle it.  I didnt leave because Im not smart enough.  I didnt leave because I was on drugs or anything like that.  I left because it is what I have to do right now.   

I will for sure be going back to school in the fall.  I havent decided where yet.  It might be the easiest thing for me to just go back to Concordia.  But well see. 

So Im home.  This means Ill get to see a lot of my friends from home more often.  Which will be good.  Call me up and well chill.  I need to stop this antisocial stuff.

Gah.

El Fin.

xanga bores me.  i never write anymore anyway.  so.... im done.  ive had xanga for about a year.  i may not write again here.  i used to write some thoughtprovoking stuff.  not really anymore.  anyway...

bye.

http://www.myspace.com/kiss_me

i had one of those revelations.

it was just really frightening.

really.

think about last month.  think about how much happened.

think about now.

for some reason it seems like life is just going by too quickly.  and in a way it seems like so much has happened.  and in other ways it seems like it was only yesterday.

oh the other thing i realized.... i think too much.  haha.

i over analyze.

so today this is what i figured out.

i need to enjoy the happy times.

now tell me this is screwy logic... but it made sense to me...

i think sometimes i just am not able to enjoy something when it is good.  because i know that when something is so good.... it cant stay that way forever.

it always seems like just after something wonderful happens... something really shitty happens.  like how my grandpa died the same night that i was on the beach at the indiana dunes looking at the stars and it was beautiful.  or like when i had a wonderful first date with no signs of anything going wrong, and then i get stood up the next week by the same guy.

and the thing to realize i guess is to not let the shitty thing ruin the thing that was good.  because the good thing should be untouched.

 the happy memories are still there regardless of what happened afterwards. 

maybe i worry without realizing it.  like today... my dad just bought a new truck and i had one of those bad feelings as we were riding in it...

my mom said something like.. "my basement is finally getting finished, my husband is finally getting a new truck, and my daughter is going to college"  well to me it seemed like that should have jinxed something.

so while we were driving home with the new truck... i had the bad feeling...

that we were going to get into a bad accident in his brand new truck.  and die.  and that would be so tragic.

haha.

it didnt happen.  obviously. 

so... i dunno.  maybe sometimes you are meant to enjoy the good times.  without something bad happening to you?  at least i hope so.  because.... i think its about time some good stuff started happening.

it will.  and it is. 

i remember when i used to write these things all the time.  i guess i just got busy.  doing other things.  of equal unimportance.

life is just as confusing as ever.  i guess that makes it interesting though.  sometimes i just wish it could be interesting in a more pleasant way.

basically all of the things in my last entry are still true. 

i guess the prom thing is a little bit more figured out now.

dont you hate it how sometimes you can listen to a song...... and it makes you feel sad even when its a perfectly good song? 

it makes me wish i had no feelings tied to it so that i could enjoy it for what it is.

example.... i havent listened to Brand New in a really long time.  tied to a person i dont talk to anymore.

i guess lately i have had feelings of being disliked.  i think that mostly i am liked.  but... everyone has someone that doesnt like them i guess.  for whatever reason. 

im the kind of person that doesnt like to give up on people.  i would SO much rather at least be friends than to ... just.... pretend the other person doesnt exist.

i would rather figure out what i am doing that is so annoying.  or terrible.  in order to change it, thus making myself a better person, and less annoyingi/terrible in whatever way.

no one wants to believe that someone doesnt like them.

maybe some things you just cant change.  certain quirks about yourself.  which makes you... you.

i guess... i just dont want to be forgotten.  i want to feel important.  i want to be pursued. 

as this entry shows, my mind is all over the place.  but i am not being specific for a reason.  i am not talking about a past relationship or friendship.  maybe just all of it combined.

i think the first step, is to feel good in my own shoes.

there are many things that i need to change about my life right now i think.

and really its not so bad.  really its not.  i am pretty talented at pretending to be happy.  and after enough pretending... you are happy.  for a little while.

and then you listen to a sad song.

i just need to be more tough.  i need to stop the sugar coating.  and face what is true.  and then do something about it.  that is probably all there really is to it.

see.... my problem most of the time is following through.  i am good at giving advice to other people.  but when it comes to facing my own problems....

they are put off.

this needs to change.

i really am not like this all the time.  i guess my pensive moods just tend to come out more when i am writing to myself.

it will all be ok.  i wont jinx myself by saying that it could be worse..... but...... it really will be just fine. 

just bye.

(afterthought)

i hate it when some friends are like, "smile lawrieee"   and they look at you like... theyre sad because youre sad..... but more its like theyre not sad with you, they're sad for you.  at times like this when i recieve this look, i am like... "yeah, ok.  fuck off."

so let go, jump in, what are you waiting for? its alright, because there's beauty in the breakdown.  so let go, let go, just get in, oh its so amazing here. its alright, because there's beauty in the break down.  cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

so i am reminded of a poem i once read.  it is in spanish, it is about this guy.... and he is complaining about how this person wont shut up.  and at the end of the poem you find out that he is talking about his own mind.

I CAN RELATE!!!

i am always guilt tripping myself.  its like.... if someone were to observe me while i am by myself... they might think that i belong in a nut house.  (i.e. violently shaking my head back and forth to rid the negative thoughts) lately i just have so many inner conflicts.  and ... well.... its not cool. 

things that are bringing me down lately in no particular order:

1) prom.  i dont have a date yet.  i am confused about which group i will be in and which friends i will spend it with.  i feel like im the last one picked in a game of red rover.  no one wants me on their team. 

2) grades.  basically i have been doing the senior slide since sophmore year, but i really need to kick my butt in gear to get this stuff DONE! cause i realllllly wanna graduate. haha.

3) guys.  enough said. (complicated)

4) lack if independence.  i feel like a loser when my friends are out doing stuff and i have to come home way earlier than the rest of them.  living with my parents sucks.  i am given the priveleges of a 14 year old and not an 18 year old.

5) i stopped singing.  i realized this today.  and it was kind of symbolic of how i feel lately.  singing is something you do when you are happy.  not that im phenominal or anything.  i just used to like it.  and i think i was better than an average singer who hasnt been in choirs.  because i have a good ear for harmonies. 

i like the songs we used to sing.  in the all girls choir.  a few years ago.  we sang Oh danny boy.  that song is just so pretty. and now we're playing a version of it in band.  sunrise, sunset.  is the other song we sang.  pretty stuff. 

im just really tired and i dont know what else to say.

so anyway..

tomorrow i leave for st. louis.  with the band tour. because i am a geek. but i am okay with that.  the other thing i think is geeky is spellying out ok "okay" like i just did.  my brain is fried.  just not enough sleep so far.  gnight and stuff.

<3 Laurie